when i had my first baby, i was 22.  i had just finished college and had absolutely nothing to do but make this beautiful baby a guiding light for all other mothers to look to for the obvious way that all children should be.  he was an easy baby.  he slept all night for the first time at nine days old.  the only night he really cried was his first night in the hospital.  we are still not sure what all that was about.  perhaps he feels the same way about hospitals as his mother....  my labor with him was difficult and traumatic.  i really didn’t know what to expect in birthing a baby, but i can assure you, what happened in that delivery room was not it.  it was awful.  and i think i was much closer to death than what any of the medical personnel in the room were leading me to believe.  in retrospect, i should have taken a birthing class.  :) 

     hudson was my world!  he was chubby and happy and adorable.  i loved to kiss him, and he loved to suck on my face.  i dressed him like a little man....a little stylish man.   we read books, played blocks and built roads for his hot wheels.  when he was 2 and got a guitar and drums for christmas, we formed a band.  and we were good!  we would sing, he would play, and i would dance.  hudson never was much of a dancer.  i think my skills may have intimidated him.  i tried desperately to get him to join me, but the dirty looks he gave me for asking him to dance started quite early on in his life.  

     as hudson got older, his interests became geared towards things like spiderman, star wars, skateboarding, and dinosaurs.  oh my goodness, how could anyone who knows hudson forget the dinosaur years?!?!  i learned more about the t-rex than i had ever intended on learning.  i desperately attempted to answer questions about spiderman and the green goblin, and learn to just close my eyes as he would attempt trick after trick on his skateboard.  

     soon, he was off to school....and then a few minutes later, he was in junior high.  the speed at which it all has started to go is freaking me out a bit.  discussions of driving, when he can get his license in terms of when we are in the states.  discussions of what classes to take and when for graduation.  discussions of what he is going to do after high school...the where and the how.  

     i can honestly say that i have enjoyed every year of his life.  i can look back at the last 15 years and know that i tried my best to squeeze every second out of this experience of mothering my hudson.  except that i’ve known since the beginning that he wasn’t mine at all.  

i remember when hudson was about 6 years old, and one day as i was praying for him, the Holy Spirit led me to the piano.  i began to play and to sing a song from my heart of how God had given him to me, but i was to give him back to God.  like many parents i know, we had dedicated all of our children to Lord when they were babies.  we had prayed for direction and wisdom as we raised this child and our others.  we had recognized that he wasn’t ours in the first place.  but somehow, on this particular day, i suppose God needed to remind me that he was on loan.  that i had this awesome responsibility to raise a warrior.  that it was my mandate to protect him, to train him, to instruct him.  and whoa!!!  what a responsibility!  but more than that, i had stopped to realize that God had entrusted me with this most precious gift.  he entrusted me!!!  i love hudson, olivia, griffin and ella more than words can possibly say, and i can only imagine that God loves them that much more.  i often wonder if he is pleased as he looks at me and how i am parenting?  is he pleased with how i am handling these priceless gifts? 

     i know that i am not the only mom that sees her children this way.  i know i’m not the only mom that believes her children to be super special in the most super amazing way.  i believe that God wants us to see our children that way.  after all, that is how he sees them.  in fact, it’s how he sees us.  

     everyday i pray that my children seek wisdom, strength, and the character of God.  i pray that God would guide them, and that they would hear his voice.  i pray for boldness and courage to be who they’ve been called to be.   i pray that they make not only the right decisions, but righteous decisions.  

     so, on this day, the day we celebrate my firstborn, i want to tell him how proud of him that i am.  i want him to know that i am praying for him each and every day.  i want him to know that there has not been one day of his life that i was not so proud to be his mom that i didn’t get choked up just thinking about it.

     hudson, happy 15th!  i have loved watching who you have become and look forward to seeing all that God has for you to do.  i love you!